I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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