I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
