The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
