i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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