she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
