i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
