Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
