The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
