Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
