I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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