After last night, I could never be a politician.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
