apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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