At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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