dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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