I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
