I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
