a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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