My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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