dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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