I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
