I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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