I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
