i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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