If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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