You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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