My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
