My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
Randomize
