my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
