I didn't shave. On purpose
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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