96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We don't watch enough power rangers
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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