You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
