someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
