New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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