Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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