I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
