why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
