Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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