It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
