do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
