I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
