Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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