so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
