He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
