I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
