I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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