Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
