Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
