whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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