he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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