somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
