I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
