all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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