oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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