I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
