you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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