I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he puts the penis in happiness.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
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