Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
